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June 18, 2010

today's joke of the day

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

June 19, 2009

joke of the day ......thanks Julie

The Irish Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


June 11, 2009

The Mrs.' joke of the day


Here is something to think about when negative people are doing
their
best to rain on your parade. Remember this
story the next time someone who knows nothing (and cares less) tries
to
make your life miserable...

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to
Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the
trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you
getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible
airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants
are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome
?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna
be
something special and exclusive, but it's
really a dump.."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other
people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an
ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it
was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and
wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in
the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us
their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and
explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if
I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few
words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

June 02, 2009

the MRS.' jokeof the day

HEY LITTLE GIRL, WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer!
I'll give you 20 Bucks AND a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...


"Look Dad"
"Your the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley"!

"YOU RIDE IT!"

April 11, 2009

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won, hands down!

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

joke of the day

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

April 06, 2009

Axelrod vs. Cheney

White House senior adviser David Axelrod shot back at Dick Cheney, slamming comments the former vice president made alleging that the new administration has made Americans less safe.

“It’s a little incredible to me that he would argue somehow that what we’re doing in forging and international alliance to finally pursue a strategy to defeat and dismantle al Qaeda in Afghanistan is going to make us less safe,” Axelrod said on CNN's "State of the Union." “I think it was an unfortunate statement.”

But Axelrod only had praise for former President Bush, who he called “incredible cooperative” during the transition period.

“He’s behaved like a statesman,” said Axelrod. “I just don’t think the memo got passed down to the vice president.”

April 01, 2009

another joke......kinda

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

joke of the day

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

March 20, 2009

Denny's special

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new
breakfast meal:

The Octo-Slam.

You get fourteen eggs, without a sausage, and the people next to you have to pay the bill.

March 19, 2009

okay, a french joke or two

Did you know the toothbrush was invented by the French?
If it had been invented by anyone else it would have been called the Teethbrush.

Continue reading "okay, a french joke or two" »

quick one

Q: What is the similarity between swedes and sperm?
A: Only one in a million becomes something.

I stand corrected

A couple of days ago I said that there were Swedish joke
I was proven wrong


A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Sweden. Swedish search and rescue workers have recovered 3000 bodies thus far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening...

March 18, 2009

Johnnie's Irish joke of the day

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs slightly apart, just enough to realize she wasn't wearing underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection from her shoes'..

March 12, 2009

today's joke....courtesy of Johnnie

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

March 10, 2009

today's joke of the day and it's not about rush...this time Thanks goes to Maura

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening".
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

March 09, 2009

today's joke of the day From arlo

A man in a flowing white robe was seated next to an O'Malley on a flight from Boston. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
O'Malley asked for a double whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the man in the robe if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen wanton women than let liquor touch my lips.'

O'Malley quickly handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.

March 07, 2009

lawyer JOKE???? thanks Johnnie

One afternoon Snidley Whiplash, a highly successful defense lawyer was riding in is stretch limousine en-route to his palatial
weekend home when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop,
and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men,
'Why are you eating grass? 'We don't
have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have no choice. We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to
my house and I'll feed you' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children
with me. They are over there, under that tree'

'Bring them along' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
'You come with us also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice then
said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and
three children with me!' They are over
there across the road, under that tree'

'Bring them all as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy
task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'No problem, glad to do it
You'll really love my place.........'

The grass is almost a foot high.'

February 25, 2009

pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel stuck to his crotch
the bar tender says" do you know you have a wheel stuck to your crotch"
the pirate say " RRR I do and it's driving me nuts"

two snails have a fight

it was a real slugfest

June 02, 2006

todays joke of the day

How the Government Measures Unemployment
(This document is an updated version of Report 864, "How the Government Measures Unemployment," published in March 1994. Information here reflects procedures as of July 2001.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does the Government collect statistics on the unemployed?
When workers are unemployed, they, their families and the country as a whole lose. Workers and their families lose wages, and the country loses the goods or services which could have been produced. In addition, the purchasing power of these workers is lost, which can lead to unemployment for yet other workers.

To know about unemployment--the extent and nature of the problem--requires information. How many people are unemployed? How did they become unemployed? How long have they been unemployed? Are their numbers growing or declining? Are they men or women? Are they young or old? Are they white or black or of Hispanic origin? Are they skilled or unskilled? Are they the sole support of their families, or do other family members have jobs? Are they more concentrated in one area of the country than another? After these statistics are obtained, they have to be interpreted properly so they can be used--together with other economic data--by policymakers in making decisions as to whether measures should be taken to influence the future course of the economy or to aid those affected by joblessness.

Where do the statistics come from?
Early each month, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) of the U.S. Department of Labor announces the total number of employed and unemployed persons in the United States for the previous month, along with many characteristics of such persons. These figures, particularly the unemployment rate--which tells you the percent of the labor force that is unemployed--receive wide coverage in the press, on radio, and on television.

Some people think that to get these figures on unemployment the Government uses the number of persons filing claims for unemployment insurance (UI) benefits under State or Federal Government programs. But some people are still jobless when their benefits run out, and many more are not eligible at all or delay or never apply for benefits. So, quite clearly, UI information cannot be used as a source for complete information on the number of unemployed.

Other people think that the Government counts every unemployed person each month. To do this, every home in the country would have to be contacted--just as in the population census every 10 years. This procedure would cost way too much and take far too long. Besides, people would soon grow tired of having a census taker come to their homes every month, year after year, to ask about job-related activities.

Because unemployment insurance records relate only to persons who have applied for such benefits, and since it is impractical to actually count every unemployed person each month, the Government conducts a monthly sample survey called the Current Population Survey (CPS) to measure the extent of unemployment in the country. The CPS has been conducted in the United States every month since 1940 when it began as a Work Projects Administration project. It has been expanded and modified several times since then. As explained later, the CPS estimates, beginning in 1994, reflect the results of a major redesign of the survey.

There are about 60,000 households in the sample for this survey. The sample is selected so as to be representative of the entire population of the United States. In order to select the sample, first, the 3,141 counties and county-equivalent cities in the country are grouped into 1,973 geographic areas. The Bureau of the Census then designs and selects a sample consisting of 754 of these geographic areas to represent each State and the District of Columbia. The sample is a State-based design and reflects urban and rural areas, different types of industrial and farming areas, and the major geographic divisions of each State.

Each of the 754 areas in the sample is subdivided into enumeration districts of about 300 households. The enumeration districts, in turn, are divided into smaller clusters of about four dwelling units each, through the use of address lists, detailed maps, and other sources. Then, the clusters to be surveyed are chosen statistically, and the households in these clusters are interviewed.

Every month, one-fourth of the households in the sample are changed, so that no household is interviewed more than 4 consecutive months. This practice avoids placing too heavy a burden on the households selected for the sample. After a household is interviewed for 4 consecutive months, it leaves the sample for 8 months and then is again interviewed for the same 4 calendar months a year later, before leaving the sample for good. This procedure results in approximately 75 percent of the sample remaining the same from month to month and 50 percent from year to year.

Each month, 1,500 highly trained and experienced Census Bureau employees interview persons in the 60,000 sample households for information on the labor force activities (jobholding and jobseeking) or non-labor force status of the members of these households during the week that includes the 12th of the month (the reference week). This information, relating to all household members 16 years of age and over, is entered by the interviewers into laptop computers; at the end of each day's interviewing, the data collected are transmitted to the Census Bureau's central computer in Washington, D.C. In addition, a portion of the sample is interviewed by phone through two central data collection facilities. (Prior to 1994, the interviews were conducted using a paper questionnaire which had to be mailed in by the interviewers each month.)

Each person is classified according to the activities he/she engaged in during the reference week. Then, the total numbers are "weighted," or adjusted to independent population estimates (based on updated decennial census results). The weighting takes into account the age, sex, race, Hispanic origin, and State of residence of the population, so that these characteristics are reflected in the proper proportions in the final estimates.

A sample is not a total count and the survey may not produce the same results that would be obtained from interviewing the entire population. But the chances are 90 out of 100 that the monthly estimate of unemployment from the sample is within about 230,000 of the figure obtainable from a total census. Since monthly unemployment totals have ranged between about 5 and 8 million in recent years, the possible error resulting from sampling is not large enough to distort the total unemployment picture.

Because these interviews are the basic source of data for total unemployment, information must be factual and correct. Respondents are never asked specifically if they are unemployed, nor are they given an opportunity to decide their own labor force status. Unless they already know how the Government defines unemployment, many of them may not be sure of their actual classification when the interview is completed.

Similarly, interviewers do not decide the respondents' labor force classification. They simply ask the questions in the prescribed way and record the answers. Individuals are then classified as employed or unemployed by the computer based on the information collected and the definitions programmed into the computer.

All interviews must follow the same procedures to obtain comparable results. Because of the crucial role interviewers have in the household survey, a great amount of time and effort is spent maintaining the quality of their work. Interviewers are given intensive training, including classroom lectures, discussion, practice, observation, home-study materials, and on-the-job training. At least once a year, they convene for day-long training and review sessions, and, also at least once a year, they are accompanied by a supervisor during a full day of interviewing to determine how well they carry out their assignments.

A selected number of households are reinterviewed each month to determine whether the information obtained in the first interview was correct. The information gained from these reinterviews is used to improve the entire training program.

May 04, 2006

today's joke of the day

> Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The
> only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their
> only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if
> he could spot a rescue boat coming.
> One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe
> my
> eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
>
> The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
> hallucinating;
> you've finally lost your mind. " But within a few minutes, up to the beach
> floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious,
> without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
> The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and
> discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
> One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island
> for
> months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do
> you think we should . well ... you know .. screw her?"
>
> "Out of WHAT?" asked the other.

May 01, 2006

Thanks Charlie

Subject: " My wife sure is stupid!!!


Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze..
1st Hillbilly: " My wife sure is stupid!!! She bought an air conditioner..2nd Hillbilly:

"Why is that stupid??"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin' !!!!! My wifes so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin' ! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes
put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: She ain't got no "pecker"


November 22, 2005

top 10

Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

November 02, 2005

We're the joke of the day.....Thanks John

BUSH JOKES ABOUT HIS WHITE HOUSE TEAM LEAKING
Wed Nov 02 2005 10:58:31 ET

ROUNDTABLE INTERVIEW OF THE PRESIDENT
WITH FOREIGN PRINT MEDIA
The Roosevelt Room
November 1, 2005

With that, we'll start. Jorge, como yo.

Q Mr. President, in Argentina, you will have a bilateral meeting with President Kirchner.

THE PRESIDENT: Si.

Q What I want to know -- sources of the government told me that they would ask you about more cooperation on support for Argentina, you know, in the IMF fund --

THE PRESIDENT: IMF.

Q Exactly.

THE PRESIDENT: Please don't tell me that the government leaks secrets about conversations to the --

Q Well, I have my sources in the government.

THE PRESIDENT: You do? Okay, well I'm not going to ask you who they are, of course. (Laughter.)

Q No, please.

THE PRESIDENT: Inside joke here, for my team. (Laughter.)

END

October 06, 2005

today's...joke of the day.........Thanks Julie

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He
awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George,
what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises,
and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is
the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see
the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is
the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the
mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads,
"Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

October 05, 2005

Joke of the day from Bridget.....thanks

>>>George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his
>>>talk he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand
>>>and George asks him what his name is.
>>>"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
>>>
>>>"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
>>>support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more
>>>votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the
>>>bell rings recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will
>>>continue after recess.
>>>
>>>When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh!
>>>That's right! -
>>>Question time. So who has a question?"
>>>
>>>Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
>>>what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
>>>
>>>"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
>>>support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more
>>>votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
>>>Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And Fifth, what the fargh happened to
>>>Billy?"

June 16, 2005

Joke of the day

Bush Is Expected to Address Specifics on Iraq

By Jim VandeHei
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, June 16, 2005; Page A08

White House officials acknowledged yesterday that the public's gloomy mood about the Iraq war is forcing President Bush to take a more assertive and public role to reassure nervous Americans and Republican lawmakers about the White House plan for victory.

Bush had hoped the successful January elections in Iraq would boost the popularity of the conflict and allow him to distance himself from it. But his aides have concluded that recent events in Iraq have contributed to an erosion in support for the president -- and that he needs to shift strategies. Bush's new approach will be mostly rhetorical, however, as the White House does not plan any changes to the policy or time frame for bringing home the 140,000 U.S. troops, as some lawmakers are demanding.

"The president will sharpen his focus" soon, adviser Dan Bartlett said. (J. Scott Applewhite - AP)
"The president takes seriously his responsibility as commander in chief to continue to educate the American people about the conduct of the war and our strategy for victory," said Dan Bartlett, a senior adviser.

Joke of the day

Bush Is Expected to Address Specifics on Iraq

By Jim VandeHei
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, June 16, 2005; Page A08

White House officials acknowledged yesterday that the public's gloomy mood about the Iraq war is forcing President Bush to take a more assertive and public role to reassure nervous Americans and Republican lawmakers about the White House plan for victory.

Bush had hoped the successful January elections in Iraq would boost the popularity of the conflict and allow him to distance himself from it. But his aides have concluded that recent events in Iraq have contributed to an erosion in support for the president -- and that he needs to shift strategies. Bush's new approach will be mostly rhetorical, however, as the White House does not plan any changes to the policy or time frame for bringing home the 140,000 U.S. troops, as some lawmakers are demanding.

"The president will sharpen his focus" soon, adviser Dan Bartlett said. (J. Scott Applewhite - AP)
"The president takes seriously his responsibility as commander in chief to continue to educate the American people about the conduct of the war and our strategy for victory," said Dan Bartlett, a senior adviser.

April 01, 2005

Joke of the day courtesy of Charlie L.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the

Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red

vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and

Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And

Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some

sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that

Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the Wheat, and

sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented

Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in

which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more

weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"

and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those

extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not

have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried

before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with

nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy

center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still

satisfy his appetite. And Satan created

McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries

with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said,

It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day .....

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on

Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large

elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no

recollection of what to do with them.

Joke of the day courtesy of Charlie L.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the

Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red

vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and

Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And

Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some

sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that

Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the Wheat, and

sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented

Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in

which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more

weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"

and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those

extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not

have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried

before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with

nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy

center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still

satisfy his appetite. And Satan created

McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries

with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said,

It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day .....

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on

Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large

elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no

recollection of what to do with them.

Joke of the day courtesy of Charlie L.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the

Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red

vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and

Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And

Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some

sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that

Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the Wheat, and

sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented

Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in

which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more

weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"

and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those

extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not

have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried

before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with

nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy

center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still

satisfy his appetite. And Satan created

McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries

with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said,

It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day .....

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on

Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large

elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no

recollection of what to do with them.

March 31, 2005

Joke of the day

THE SOX FAN

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he saw
strutting down the street in the obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt.

He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing
them.

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a
good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going
Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the
road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they continued down
the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he
instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back into
the road just in time.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a
loud "THUD.

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but
still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to
the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

Joke of the day

THE SOX FAN

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he saw
strutting down the street in the obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt.

He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing
them.

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a
good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going
Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the
road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they continued down
the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he
instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back into
the road just in time.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a
loud "THUD.

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but
still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to
the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

Joke of the day

THE SOX FAN

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he saw
strutting down the street in the obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt.

He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing
them.

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a
good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going
Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the
road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they continued down
the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he
instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back into
the road just in time.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a
loud "THUD.

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but
still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to
the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

February 18, 2005

joke of the day from Mike S.

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.

Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze
statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must
have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few
real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him
down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster.

But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to
hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay,
looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are
squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the
bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of
rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

joke of the day from Mike S.

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.

Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze
statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must
have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few
real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him
down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster.

But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to
hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay,
looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are
squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the
bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of
rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

joke of the day from Mike S.

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.

Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze
statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must
have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few
real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him
down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster.

But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to
hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay,
looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are
squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the
bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of
rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

February 16, 2005

He's such an idiot...and a Bush republican

Greenspan warns U.S. to get finances in order
From wire reports
WASHINGTON — Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said Wednesday that the U.S. economy entered 2005 in good shape, but he warned that fiscal discipline is essential to meet future challenges.
"All told, the economy seems to have entered 2005 expanding at a reasonably good pace, with inflation and inflation expectations well-anchored," Greenspan said remarks prepared for delivery to the Senate Banking Committee.

But he tempered his optimism by warning that the relatively tranquil economic conditions of recent decades must not be taken for granted.

"History cautions that people experiencing long periods of relative stability are prone to excess," he said. "We must thus remain vigilant against complacency."

Greenspan said it is "imperative to restore fiscal discipline" in the United States to help narrow the huge trade deficit. He also said the country has to act before 2008 to prepare for a coming wave of 78 million retiring "baby boomers" and said if it fails to do so, there could be an adverse impact on bond markets.

Touching on one of the hottest issues in Washington — President Bush's proposal to reform Social Security — Greenspan said, "Benefits promised to a burgeoning retirement-age population under mandatory entitlement programs, most notably Social Security and Medicare, threaten to strain the resources of the working-age population in the years ahead.

"Real progress on these issues will unavoidably entail many difficult choices. But the demographics are inexorable and call for action," he said.

In his prepared remarks, Greenspan didn't prescribe any fixes or weigh in on Bush's proposal to allow workers under age 55 to divert a chunk of their Social Security taxes into voluntary, private investment accounts. In previous appearances before Congress the Fed chief has said benefit cuts and possibly tax increases would be needed to close the funding gap faced by Social Security.

Greenspan said inflation, while not an immediate threat, is something policymakers must continue to guard against.

How inflation fares in the coming months will shape whether Fed policymakers — now on a gradual path of raising short-term interest — will need to adjust the speed of the campaign by either speeding up or slowing down, Greenspan indicated.

He gave no direct hint on the direction of future monetary policy, other than to note that even after six quarter-percentage-point interest-rate hikes since June, the federal funds rate "remains fairly low." The fed funds rate is what banks charge each other for overnight loans; it is the Fed's main tool for influencing other interest rates and economic activity.

The Fed chief said it is hard to explain why long-term interest rates have declined in the face of the U.S. central bank's short-term rate increases. He noted, however, that yields and risk spreads "have narrowed globally" — not just in the United States.

"For the moment, the broadly unanticipated behavior of world bond markets remains a conundrum," Greenspan said. "Bond price movements may be a short-term aberration, but it will be some time before we are able to better judge the forces underlying recent experience."

He said, "a pervasive sense of confidence among investors and an associated greater willingness to bear risk" contrasted with continued business caution.

He's such an idiot...and a Bush republican

Greenspan warns U.S. to get finances in order
From wire reports
WASHINGTON — Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said Wednesday that the U.S. economy entered 2005 in good shape, but he warned that fiscal discipline is essential to meet future challenges.
"All told, the economy seems to have entered 2005 expanding at a reasonably good pace, with inflation and inflation expectations well-anchored," Greenspan said remarks prepared for delivery to the Senate Banking Committee.

But he tempered his optimism by warning that the relatively tranquil economic conditions of recent decades must not be taken for granted.

"History cautions that people experiencing long periods of relative stability are prone to excess," he said. "We must thus remain vigilant against complacency."

Greenspan said it is "imperative to restore fiscal discipline" in the United States to help narrow the huge trade deficit. He also said the country has to act before 2008 to prepare for a coming wave of 78 million retiring "baby boomers" and said if it fails to do so, there could be an adverse impact on bond markets.

Touching on one of the hottest issues in Washington — President Bush's proposal to reform Social Security — Greenspan said, "Benefits promised to a burgeoning retirement-age population under mandatory entitlement programs, most notably Social Security and Medicare, threaten to strain the resources of the working-age population in the years ahead.

"Real progress on these issues will unavoidably entail many difficult choices. But the demographics are inexorable and call for action," he said.

In his prepared remarks, Greenspan didn't prescribe any fixes or weigh in on Bush's proposal to allow workers under age 55 to divert a chunk of their Social Security taxes into voluntary, private investment accounts. In previous appearances before Congress the Fed chief has said benefit cuts and possibly tax increases would be needed to close the funding gap faced by Social Security.

Greenspan said inflation, while not an immediate threat, is something policymakers must continue to guard against.

How inflation fares in the coming months will shape whether Fed policymakers — now on a gradual path of raising short-term interest — will need to adjust the speed of the campaign by either speeding up or slowing down, Greenspan indicated.

He gave no direct hint on the direction of future monetary policy, other than to note that even after six quarter-percentage-point interest-rate hikes since June, the federal funds rate "remains fairly low." The fed funds rate is what banks charge each other for overnight loans; it is the Fed's main tool for influencing other interest rates and economic activity.

The Fed chief said it is hard to explain why long-term interest rates have declined in the face of the U.S. central bank's short-term rate increases. He noted, however, that yields and risk spreads "have narrowed globally" — not just in the United States.

"For the moment, the broadly unanticipated behavior of world bond markets remains a conundrum," Greenspan said. "Bond price movements may be a short-term aberration, but it will be some time before we are able to better judge the forces underlying recent experience."

He said, "a pervasive sense of confidence among investors and an associated greater willingness to bear risk" contrasted with continued business caution.

He's such an idiot...and a Bush republican

Greenspan warns U.S. to get finances in order
From wire reports
WASHINGTON — Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said Wednesday that the U.S. economy entered 2005 in good shape, but he warned that fiscal discipline is essential to meet future challenges.
"All told, the economy seems to have entered 2005 expanding at a reasonably good pace, with inflation and inflation expectations well-anchored," Greenspan said remarks prepared for delivery to the Senate Banking Committee.

But he tempered his optimism by warning that the relatively tranquil economic conditions of recent decades must not be taken for granted.

"History cautions that people experiencing long periods of relative stability are prone to excess," he said. "We must thus remain vigilant against complacency."

Greenspan said it is "imperative to restore fiscal discipline" in the United States to help narrow the huge trade deficit. He also said the country has to act before 2008 to prepare for a coming wave of 78 million retiring "baby boomers" and said if it fails to do so, there could be an adverse impact on bond markets.

Touching on one of the hottest issues in Washington — President Bush's proposal to reform Social Security — Greenspan said, "Benefits promised to a burgeoning retirement-age population under mandatory entitlement programs, most notably Social Security and Medicare, threaten to strain the resources of the working-age population in the years ahead.

"Real progress on these issues will unavoidably entail many difficult choices. But the demographics are inexorable and call for action," he said.

In his prepared remarks, Greenspan didn't prescribe any fixes or weigh in on Bush's proposal to allow workers under age 55 to divert a chunk of their Social Security taxes into voluntary, private investment accounts. In previous appearances before Congress the Fed chief has said benefit cuts and possibly tax increases would be needed to close the funding gap faced by Social Security.

Greenspan said inflation, while not an immediate threat, is something policymakers must continue to guard against.

How inflation fares in the coming months will shape whether Fed policymakers — now on a gradual path of raising short-term interest — will need to adjust the speed of the campaign by either speeding up or slowing down, Greenspan indicated.

He gave no direct hint on the direction of future monetary policy, other than to note that even after six quarter-percentage-point interest-rate hikes since June, the federal funds rate "remains fairly low." The fed funds rate is what banks charge each other for overnight loans; it is the Fed's main tool for influencing other interest rates and economic activity.

The Fed chief said it is hard to explain why long-term interest rates have declined in the face of the U.S. central bank's short-term rate increases. He noted, however, that yields and risk spreads "have narrowed globally" — not just in the United States.

"For the moment, the broadly unanticipated behavior of world bond markets remains a conundrum," Greenspan said. "Bond price movements may be a short-term aberration, but it will be some time before we are able to better judge the forces underlying recent experience."

He said, "a pervasive sense of confidence among investors and an associated greater willingness to bear risk" contrasted with continued business caution.

February 10, 2005

todays Joke of the day......Charlie L.

Subject: The Nun and The Gasoline
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out
>>>>>>>>>>making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it
>>>>>>>>>>there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the
>>>>>>>>>>station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive
>>>>>to
>>>>>>>>>>the station for a fill up.
>>>>>>>>>>The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned
>>>>>had
>>>>>>>>>>just been lent out, but if she would care to wait, he was sure it
>>>>>>>>>>would be back shortly.
>>>>>>>>>>Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
>>>>>>>wait
>>>>>>>>>>and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for
>>>>>>>>>>something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a
>>>>>>>>>>bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she
>>>>>>>carried
>>>>>>>>>>it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to
>>>>>>>her
>>>>>>>>>>car.
>>>>>>>>>>As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men
>>>>>>>>>>watched
>>>>>>>>>>her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and
>>>>>>>said:
>>>>>>>>>>"If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my
>>>>>life!"

todays Joke of the day......Charlie L.

Subject: The Nun and The Gasoline
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out
>>>>>>>>>>making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it
>>>>>>>>>>there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the
>>>>>>>>>>station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive
>>>>>to
>>>>>>>>>>the station for a fill up.
>>>>>>>>>>The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned
>>>>>had
>>>>>>>>>>just been lent out, but if she would care to wait, he was sure it
>>>>>>>>>>would be back shortly.
>>>>>>>>>>Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
>>>>>>>wait
>>>>>>>>>>and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for
>>>>>>>>>>something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a
>>>>>>>>>>bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she
>>>>>>>carried
>>>>>>>>>>it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to
>>>>>>>her
>>>>>>>>>>car.
>>>>>>>>>>As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men
>>>>>>>>>>watched
>>>>>>>>>>her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and
>>>>>>>said:
>>>>>>>>>>"If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my
>>>>>life!"

todays Joke of the day......Charlie L.

Subject: The Nun and The Gasoline
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out
>>>>>>>>>>making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it
>>>>>>>>>>there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the
>>>>>>>>>>station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive
>>>>>to
>>>>>>>>>>the station for a fill up.
>>>>>>>>>>The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned
>>>>>had
>>>>>>>>>>just been lent out, but if she would care to wait, he was sure it
>>>>>>>>>>would be back shortly.
>>>>>>>>>>Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
>>>>>>>wait
>>>>>>>>>>and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for
>>>>>>>>>>something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a
>>>>>>>>>>bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she
>>>>>>>carried
>>>>>>>>>>it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to
>>>>>>>her
>>>>>>>>>>car.
>>>>>>>>>>As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men
>>>>>>>>>>watched
>>>>>>>>>>her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and
>>>>>>>said:
>>>>>>>>>>"If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my
>>>>>life!"

February 04, 2005

another one from Charles

Shipwrecked
 
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a
 
Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until
 
the boat sank.
 
 
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
 
people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
 
 
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
 
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he
 
asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
 
 
 
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I
 
landed here when my cruise ship sank."
 
 
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
 
with you."
 
 
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
 
material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree
 
branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a
 
 
Eucalyptus tree."
 
 
"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools
 
or hardware. How did you manage?"
 
 
 
"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the
 
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I
 
found if  I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
 
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the boat.
 
 
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
 
 
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
 
As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is
 
a  stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
 
white.  While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
 
he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
 
 
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but
 
I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
 
 
 
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
 
coconut juice."
 
 
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How
 
about a Pina Colada?"
 
 
 
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit
 
down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
 
 
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
 
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a
 
razor  upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
 
 
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in
 
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to
 
a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
 
mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
 
 
 
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'
 
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
 
beckons  for him to sit down next to her.
 
 
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
 
been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely.
 
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
 
you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
 
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!
 
 
"You mean ..." he swallows excitedly,
 
we can watch the Patriots game from here?"

another one from Charles

Shipwrecked
 
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a
 
Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until
 
the boat sank.
 
 
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
 
people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
 
 
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
 
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he
 
asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
 
 
 
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I
 
landed here when my cruise ship sank."
 
 
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
 
with you."
 
 
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
 
material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree
 
branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a
 
 
Eucalyptus tree."
 
 
"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools
 
or hardware. How did you manage?"
 
 
 
"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the
 
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I
 
found if  I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
 
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the boat.
 
 
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
 
 
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
 
As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is
 
a  stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
 
white.  While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
 
he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
 
 
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but
 
I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
 
 
 
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
 
coconut juice."
 
 
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How
 
about a Pina Colada?"
 
 
 
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit
 
down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
 
 
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
 
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a
 
razor  upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
 
 
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in
 
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to
 
a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
 
mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
 
 
 
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'
 
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
 
beckons  for him to sit down next to her.
 
 
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
 
been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely.
 
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
 
you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
 
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!
 
 
"You mean ..." he swallows excitedly,
 
we can watch the Patriots game from here?"

another one from Charles

Shipwrecked
 
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a
 
Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until
 
the boat sank.
 
 
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
 
people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
 
 
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
 
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he
 
asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
 
 
 
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I
 
landed here when my cruise ship sank."
 
 
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
 
with you."
 
 
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
 
material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree
 
branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a
 
 
Eucalyptus tree."
 
 
"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools
 
or hardware. How did you manage?"
 
 
 
"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the
 
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I
 
found if  I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
 
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the boat.
 
 
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
 
 
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
 
As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is
 
a  stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
 
white.  While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
 
he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
 
 
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but
 
I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
 
 
 
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
 
coconut juice."
 
 
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How
 
about a Pina Colada?"
 
 
 
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit
 
down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
 
 
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
 
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a
 
razor  upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
 
 
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in
 
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to
 
a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
 
mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
 
 
 
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'
 
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
 
beckons  for him to sit down next to her.
 
 
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
 
been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely.
 
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
 
you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
 
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!
 
 
"You mean ..." he swallows excitedly,
 
we can watch the Patriots game from here?"

joke of the day from Charles L.

The Magic Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

joke of the day from Charles L.

The Magic Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

joke of the day from Charles L.

The Magic Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

February 03, 2005

TODAYS.......joke of the day thanks Charlie L.

Subject: Presidential Breakfast
>
>One morning, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush
>were having brunch at a restaurant. The
>attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
>like, and he replies,
>
>"I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
>
>And what may I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
>
>He replies, "How about a quickie?"
>
>"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude ! ... You're
>starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you haven't even been in office
>for a second term yet."
>
>As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers,
>
>"It's pronounced 'quiche'. " TODAY

TODAYS.......joke of the day thanks Charlie L.

Subject: Presidential Breakfast
>
>One morning, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush
>were having brunch at a restaurant. The
>attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
>like, and he replies,
>
>"I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
>
>And what may I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
>
>He replies, "How about a quickie?"
>
>"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude ! ... You're
>starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you haven't even been in office
>for a second term yet."
>
>As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers,
>
>"It's pronounced 'quiche'. " TODAY

TODAYS.......joke of the day thanks Charlie L.

Subject: Presidential Breakfast
>
>One morning, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush
>were having brunch at a restaurant. The
>attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
>like, and he replies,
>
>"I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
>
>And what may I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
>
>He replies, "How about a quickie?"
>
>"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude ! ... You're
>starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you haven't even been in office
>for a second term yet."
>
>As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers,
>
>"It's pronounced 'quiche'. " TODAY

February 02, 2005

todays second joke of the day

A greek and a Frenchman were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The greek says, "we have the parthenon."

The Frenchman says, "we have Notre Dame"

The greek says, "we had great mathematicians."

The Frenchman says, "we have the Lourve."

And so on and so on and so on….and then the greek says, "we invented sex."

To which the Frenchman replies, "that is true, but it was the French who introduced it to women."

todays second joke of the day

A greek and a Frenchman were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The greek says, "we have the parthenon."

The Frenchman says, "we have Notre Dame"

The greek says, "we had great mathematicians."

The Frenchman says, "we have the Lourve."

And so on and so on and so on….and then the greek says, "we invented sex."

To which the Frenchman replies, "that is true, but it was the French who introduced it to women."

todays second joke of the day

A greek and a Frenchman were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The greek says, "we have the parthenon."

The Frenchman says, "we have Notre Dame"

The greek says, "we had great mathematicians."

The Frenchman says, "we have the Lourve."

And so on and so on and so on….and then the greek says, "we invented sex."

To which the Frenchman replies, "that is true, but it was the French who introduced it to women."

joke of the day.....courtesy of Charles L.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by

almost

everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that

could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,

"What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator)

responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I

don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old

lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a

button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a

small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the

small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They

continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the

numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls

opened

up again and a gorgeous24-year-old blonde stepped out.The father

said

quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

joke of the day.....courtesy of Charles L.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by

almost

everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that

could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,

"What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator)

responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I

don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old

lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a

button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a

small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the

small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They

continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the

numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls

opened

up again and a gorgeous24-year-old blonde stepped out.The father

said

quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

joke of the day.....courtesy of Charles L.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by

almost

everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that

could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,

"What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator)

responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I

don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old

lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a

button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a

small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the

small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They

continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the

numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls

opened

up again and a gorgeous24-year-old blonde stepped out.The father

said

quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

February 01, 2005

TODAYS...joke of the day / Thanks Charlie

The Amazing Goldstein

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss The Amazing Goldstein.

Curious, he buys a ticket.

The tent goes dark.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.

There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it is an old Jewish man.

Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge shlong, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!

So he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated.

This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table.

Goldstein stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong.

The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible," he tells Goldstein. "But I have to know something.

You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Vell," says Goldstein, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

TODAYS...joke of the day / Thanks Charlie

The Amazing Goldstein

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss The Amazing Goldstein.

Curious, he buys a ticket.

The tent goes dark.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.

There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it is an old Jewish man.

Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge shlong, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!

So he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated.

This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table.

Goldstein stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong.

The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible," he tells Goldstein. "But I have to know something.

You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Vell," says Goldstein, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

TODAYS...joke of the day / Thanks Charlie

The Amazing Goldstein

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss The Amazing Goldstein.

Curious, he buys a ticket.

The tent goes dark.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.

There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it is an old Jewish man.

Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge shlong, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!

So he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated.

This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table.

Goldstein stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong.

The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible," he tells Goldstein. "But I have to know something.

You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Vell," says Goldstein, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

January 29, 2005

todays............joke of the day...thanks charlie

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton,"
> said God.
> >
> "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion
with a blue and red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window, a Pat Patriot towel.

> Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an a! ll-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

> God said "So what's your point Peyton?"

> "Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?"
>
> God chuckled, and said "Peyton, that's not Tom's house, it's mine."

todays............joke of the day...thanks charlie

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton,"
> said God.
> >
> "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion
with a blue and red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window, a Pat Patriot towel.

> Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an a! ll-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

> God said "So what's your point Peyton?"

> "Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?"
>
> God chuckled, and said "Peyton, that's not Tom's house, it's mine."

todays............joke of the day...thanks charlie

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton,"
> said God.
> >
> "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion
with a blue and red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window, a Pat Patriot towel.

> Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an a! ll-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

> God said "So what's your point Peyton?"

> "Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?"
>
> God chuckled, and said "Peyton, that's not Tom's house, it's mine."